When Meditation Doesn’t Click
A few years ago, I tried meditation.
I read a basic book about meditation, and started focusing on my breath for ten minutes every morning.
It didn’t work for me, so I quit after a month.
Perhaps you’ve had the same experience?
You may have also tried meditation in the past and ’failed’.
However, the problem may not have been you or meditation; the problem may have been the type of meditation.
I tried a different type of mediation seven months ago, and it’s stuck.
Here’s what changed.
The Frustration of “Clear Your Mind”
Have you ever tried to meditate and felt like you were failing at it?
Initially, I was taught a style of meditation that focused my attention on my breath and attempted to clear my mind of all thoughts.
The goal was to focus only on my breathing. If I realized I had wandered and was thinking (which, of course, always happens), it was seen as a negative, and I was to return to the breath immediately.
After a month, I gave up. I felt like I was failing at meditation itself.
I felt like a failure because I couldn’t stop thinking.
If you’ve ever felt like this type of meditation is a battle with your own mind, you’re not alone.
I wanted a practice that would involve all of me, not just my breath.
Finding a Better Way to Meditate
Last July, I reached out to a friend I knew had practiced mindfulness meditation for decades and asked him for recommendations.
He pointed me to the Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation series of online videos by Gil Fronsdal, a longtime teacher at the Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA.
I decided to do a do-it-yourself mindfulness meditation retreat using the five introductory videos. I blocked out two days and two nights at a local retreat center and worked through all the meditation talks.
It was too much, too fast, but it gave me a good overview. After the retreat, my wife and I watched one session each week. That’s a much better way to learn new concepts and put them into practice.
In these talks, Fronsdal discusses several key areas of mindfulness meditation practice and demonstrates how to meditate.
He talks about being mindful of our breath, bodies, emotions, and thinking.
A Practice That Includes All of You
In this type of mindfulness meditation, the breath is not the sole focus.
Instead, it serves as a foundation to start with and return to after exploring. It’s a relaxing and calming home base.
As Gil Fronsdal explains in his book, Issue at Hand,
“Nothing is outside the scope of mindfulness meditation. The full range of our humanity is allowed to unfold within the light of our mindfulness. Physical sensations, feelings, emotions, thoughts, mental states, moods, and intentions are all included.”
The practice is to focus on your breathing until something more compelling arises, and then give your attention to that.
It could be awareness of what is happening in your body, an emotion you’re feeling, or an acknowledgment of what you’re thinking and what you’re thinking about.
You spend the time you feel is necessary to name what is asking for your attention (thinking, cold, breeze, anxious, happy, etc.) and, objectively and without judgment, look at it.
When you feel like you’ve given enough attention, you return to focusing on your breathing.
From In Your Head to In Your Body
Do you ever realize you’ve been living in your head all day?
Many of us rarely pause to ask what our bodies are experiencing.
As a card-carrying introvert, I spend most of my time living in my head. Very often, I’m unaware of what my body is feeling or what emotions I’m having.
That usually means my mind is running ahead into the future while my body gets left behind.
Meditation helps me to reconnect with my body and emotions and live more in the present.
As you meditate, ask yourself, “What is my body experiencing? Am I uncomfortable or comfortable? Am I feeling a breeze on my skin? Do I feel hot or cold?”
“How does my body experience the process of breathing in and out? Is there a part of my body that feels tense or tight? And if so, why is that?”
This helps you to focus on your body and get out of your head. You become aware of tensions and what my body is feeling.
Holding Emotions Without Fixing Them
Emotions are often signaled by tension in your body.
When you recognize that you have tension, ask, “What’s causing this tension?” Frequently, there’s an emotion behind it.
Try to name the emotion with as much specificity as you can. Your goal is not to criticize it, make it go away, or somehow deal with it; rather, it is to hold it without judgment and observe it.
Emotions often will work themselves out if just noticed and held.
Gil Fronsdal describes the process of holding emotions:
“In mindfulness, we simply allow emotions to be present, whatever they may be. This does not mean condoning or justifying our feelings. Formal meditation practice offers us the extraordinary opportunity to practice unconditional acceptance of our emotions.”
Issue at Hand
I’ve experienced this several times. When I sit quietly and meditate, I’ll notice I’m feeling a strong emotion, like anger. I look at my anger as objectively as I can, acknowledging what I feel and noting, “This is what my anger feels like.” I sometimes realize that the anger has been there for a few days, but I’ve suppressed it or ignored it.
I don’t try to fix it, just sit with it. I’ll ask, “Why am I feeling this way?” Recognizing and sitting with my emotions gives me important insights about what’s going on inside me.
Where This Is Going Next
In Part 2, I’ll share what happened when I stopped trying to push my thoughts away and instead got curious about them.
If you’ve ever struggled with a wandering mind during meditation, I think you’ll find it encouraging.
I’ll also offer you some practical suggestions for getting started with your mindfulness meditation practice.
The surprising thing?
When I finally stopped fighting my thoughts, meditation started working.
AI Note: I wrote this blog post myself, using my own words and thoughts for the initial draft. I used AI only to suggest headlines, section headings, images, and text improvements.
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