During the first week in December, my wife and I when to Disneyland to celebrate our 50th Wedding Anniversary (we’re not really that old — we married when we were 5 😉). The event and discussions with friends about it have prompted some thoughts I’d like to share.
Don’t panic, it’s not all mushy stuff. While most of my thoughts are about the ins and outs of long-term relationships, I also deal with how a productivity system can enhance a long-term relationship. I am a productivity nerd, after all, so I had to work that in somehow.
I’m not a relationship expert. But I have been in a relationship for a while, and I’ve counseled a lot of couples in relationships. You’ve been warned — take what I say with a grain of salt!
1. In Long-Term Relationships, “Like” is More Important Than Lust or Love
I believe the most important factor in having a long-term relationship is whether the partners genuinely like each other, and are best friends. Do they enjoy spending time together, traveling, and discovering new things together? Or do they fight and argue all the time, and act like they don’t like each other?
Of course, there are times in any relationship when we don’t like our partner’s behavior, or they don’t like ours. And even in the best of relationships there are conflicts and disagreements. That’s being human. But on the whole, are we best friends?
I’m not talking about the need to have some private or personal time in a relationship. Being best friends doesn’t mean you have to spend every minute together. We’re both introverts and need time alone. My wife has things she enjoys doing (playing the harp, reading) on her own. I have things I like to do by myself (multi-day solo backpacking trips, playing computer wargames, reading). We encourage and support each other to explore things that we’re separately interested in.
It’s a mistake to build a relationship primarily on hot sex. As a minister and an Air Force Chaplain, I did a lot of marriage counseling. I found that the people who married primarily for lust typically didn’t stay together very long. Hot sex will come and go in a relationship. When the hot sexual excitement died down, they assumed they had made the wrong choice, that they didn’t really “love” their partner, and moved on.
It’s also a mistake to build a relationship primarily on feeling love toward someone, but not like them. Most of us have grown up with a Disney princess view of love and relationships, and that if we love another person that’s all that really matters. Unfortunately, it’s not. Sometimes there is a lot of conflict or even abuse in relationships, but people put up with it because they “love” the other person. Who said just because you love another person means you have to stay in a toxic relationship with them? Many in that situation eventually reach a breaking point and end the relationship. Staying in an unhappy or abusive relationship because one feels bound by love is frequently a recipe for disaster. Disney-style romantic love doesn’t always conquer all.
I’m not saying that sexual attraction and romantic love aren’t important or valuable. My partner and I believe that sex is healthy and good for us. We’re not by any means anti-sex; we like it. It makes us feel young and happy. She turned me on when we first met and still does 50 years later! We enjoy the love relationship that we have. But neither the hot sex nor the romantic love has been what has kept us together for the long term.
We “love” each other romantically, but also in a way that comes from sharing a long-term, committed relationship with our best friend. We care about each other, support each other, encourage each other to pursue our individual interests, and enjoy being together.
2. Luck Plays a Big Part in Long-Term Relationships
I think there are things you can do to support and enhance your relationship with your partner. However, a lot of longevity comes down to luck.
When we enter a relationship we really have no clue about each other. A lot of the initial attraction is based on raging hormones and NRE, or New Relationship Energy. We don’t really know each other. People immersed in the NRE chemical mix shouldn’t make important life decisions!
Even if we enter into what is at first a compatible relationship, we each change over time. As humans, we all grow and develop and change over our lives. As time goes by neither person will be the same person they were when they first entered a relationship.
I belive in a growth mindset, and I’m glad I’m not the same person I was 50 years ago. However, sometimes relationship partners change in ways that make them less compatible. At the beginning of a relationship, we can know that we’ll both change, but there’s no way to predict how that will affect our future relationship. It really comes down to luck whether the two of us will change in ways that are compatible, or not.
We’re lucky that as my partner and I have changed, those changes have been in ways that have been compatible. It could have been different — I’ve seen many partners split up because they’ve grown in ways that make them no longer compatible, and they’ve grown apart rather than growing together.
3. A Holistic Productivity System Supports Your Relationship with Your Partner
I know this doesn’t sound like it goes with the topic, but trust me on this and keep reading. I think what we base our relationship on — being best friends, and pure luck — are major factors in whether we can pull off a long-term relationship.
But I also think there are things we can intentionally do to enhance and grow our relationship, and this also has an impact. A holistic productivity system can be a tool we use to improve our relationships.
My sense is that most productivity systems are geared only toward managing our work, not the rest of our lives. I think that’s a huge mistake. As people, we’re much more than just our work. We need a holistic productivity system that encompasses our whole life.
Including our relationships in our productivity system can result in many benefits. In a culture that gives priority to work, it helps us to gain balance by also giving appropriate attention to our relationships.
I use a productivity system (developed by David Sparks) that is based on identifying and evaluating my life roles. As a part of this system, I have written descriptions of my “best version of myself” for each role, including my role as husband. These are the ideal behaviors I strive toward in my relationship with my partner.
My weekly and quarterly reviews remind me of what the best version of myself as a husband looks like. I evaluate how I’m doing every week. I’ve found that I need weekly reminders, so I don’t forget who I am, and what is important to me.
The reviews make me aware of when I’ve been ignoring my role as a husband, or not giving it enough attention. This prompts me to take corrective action. This often results in me adding items to my calendar or task list.
For example, during one review, I realized my partner and I had not done anything new and fun together for some time. She’d talked several times in the past about wanting to go to a “Medieval Times” dinner and show (which we have in the Phoenix area).
I put an entry in my task manager for the next week to research and booked a date and time on my calendar. She wore her Renaissance Fair maiden outfit and I wore a kilt, and we had a great evening together. It probably wouldn’t have happened without my review system.
Summary
My partner and I have been married for fifty years. We’ve enjoyed sharing sexual attraction and romantic love, but more importantly, we’ve always been each other’s best friends. We believe that “like” is more important than love or lust in sustaining a long-term relationship.
Luck also plays a large part in having a long-term relationship. Though no one can predict how we will change and grow over time, we’ve been lucky that our changes thus far have been compatible.
I believe that it is important to have a holistic productivity system that includes my role as a husband. Through reviews and reminders, I am able to stay mindful of my role as a husband and make adjustments when I haven’t lived up to my best version of myself.
If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, I’d encourage you to find a best friend to enter into a long-term committed relationship with. Don’t let hot sex or love alone be your determining factors. If you’re in a relationship and you’re not best friends, do what you can to become best friends. Set your intention, and use your productivity system and tools to work on improving your relationship.