When Love Isn’t Enough
I felt helpless.
About six months ago, my wife’s shoulder and arm started to hurt more and more. It got to the point where, for several months, she was in agony. Her arm and shoulder throbbed, and nothing — not hot pads, not cold pads, not medication — seemed to help.
Someone I cared about was in serious pain, and I felt like there was very little I could do to help her. I tried what I could, but whatever I did felt inadequate.
It’s difficult when someone you care about is in pain. You want to help, but your ability to offer practical support is often limited. You feel helpless and frustrated.
The instinct to help someone in pain is natural and caring, but practical help has real limits. You can’t take the pain away, you can’t solve the underlying cause, and the gap between what you want to do and what you can do creates a special kind of helplessness.
Being There Is the Help
Buddhist monk Haemin Sunim wrote in Love for Imperfect Things: How to Accept Yourself in a World Striving for Perfection,
“The most meaningful gift you can give when someone you love is in pain is your kind presence.”
Research confirms that the quality of support matters most. A supportive presence significantly reduces pain intensity and cortisol levels compared with a neutral or non-supportive presence.
Being there is what matters. Doing more doesn’t always make a difference.
Three Ways to Be There When Words Fail
First, show empathy. Express sorrow for the person: “I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I know it must be awful.”
Brené Brown writes what empathy actually requires:
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”
Second, offer what’s within your power. A drink, a warm compress, sitting close — small concrete acts signal that you see them and you’re with them.
Third, touch them. I don’t always fully appreciate or practice that. Whenever I go to see a doctor, and the doctor touches my arm or shoulder to connect and express care, it makes a real difference. I remember it. It makes me feel understood and cared for.
Touch with intention: a hand on the shoulder, holding their hands, sitting close. These aren’t just gestures; neuroscience says they’re medicine. Research indicates touch decreases heart rate, blood pressure, and cortisol while increasing oxytocin, connection, and serotonin — a natural pain suppressant.
You Don’t Have to Fix It
You don’t have to say the right thing. There is no script. Your presence is the message.
You don’t have to stop the pain — you can’t anyway — and you don’t have to fix the problem. You just have to be there: with empathy, with touch, doing what you can to show that you care.
The next time someone you love is in pain, you don’t need a plan. You don’t need the right words. You just need to show up — sit close, make contact, let them know they’re not alone. That’s not the least you can do. That’s the most anyone can do.
Note: I wrote this blog post myself using my own words and thoughts for the initial draft. I used AI only to suggest headlines, section headings, images and text improvements.
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