Focus on What You Control
We spend so much energy stressing over things we can’t control—traffic jams, canceled flights, rude comments. The Stoics warned us 2,000 years ago that this is wasted effort. They taught that freedom comes from focusing only on what is within our control.
They divided everything in life into two categories: what we can control and what we can’t control. Epictetus put it simply: “Some things are up to us and some are not.” Our judgments, choices, and desires are within our control. Our bodies, possessions, and reputations are not. The Complete Works: Handbook, Discourses, & Fragments.
Too often, we spend most of our energy and stress worrying and getting upset about things over which we have no control. A flight is canceled because of the weather, and we get angry and stress out. Someone says something negative to us, and we get upset and angry.
My Struggle with Automatic Anger
I accept the Stoic approach to life as correct and desire to practice it, but it’s challenging to implement.
I’d like to say I always live out Stoic calm—but the truth is, I don’t. Like many of us, I slip into emotional autopilot. Someone cuts me off in traffic, and I’m instantly irritated. A thoughtless comment, and I feel anger rising before I can stop it.
Sometimes (but not always!), I can catch myself at the initial response of getting angry and before responding, so I don’t reply out of anger. But I still waste a lot of energy and stress being angry over something I can’t control.
How can I forestall anger over something I can’t control and respond from a place of calm and rationality? How can I catch myself before responding?
The “Let Them Theory” Book
I recently read The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About, by inspirational author Mel Robbins.
I felt the book stretched a simple idea into more pages than necessary—something that happens with many popular books. But despite that, the core concept is powerful and worth practicing.
Two Phrases That Change Everything
That said, I found the main points of the book to be helpful and practical. It’s a valuable tool for implementing Stoic teaching about recognizing what we control and what we don’t, and provides a useful tool for preventing emotional autopilot from taking control.
• Robbins advises that every time we encounter a situation that we can’t control, our immediate response ought to be to think, “Let them.” Let them go ahead and do what they’re going to do, because we have no control over it anyway.
• And then the following response to that is, “Let me.” That focuses on what I have control of, which is my own thinking and my wise response to the circumstances.
“Let them, let me” is Stoicism in modern language. Let them do what they will—it’s outside my control. Let me focus on how I choose to respond—that’s where my freedom lies.
An Example: Holiday Guilt Trips
Using the phrase “Let them” in response to events over which we have no or limited control detaches us from useless emotions and lets us think rationally about the situation and then decide how we want to act.
Suppose a relative tries to guilt you into visiting for Christmas. Instead of caving out of resentment, you pause. Let them try their guilt trip. Let me decide freely—whether that means going with joy or politely declining.
Choosing Calm Over Chaos
We can’t control people, circumstances, or the weather.
But we can control our thoughts, our responses, and our choices.
The next time frustration rises, try the two simple words: Let them. Let me. They might just shift you from anger and stress to peace.
AI Note: I wrote this blog post myself, using my own words and thoughts for the initial draft. I used AI only to suggest headlines, section headings, and text improvements.
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